Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
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You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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