if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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