i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
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I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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