Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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