you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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