i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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