swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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