So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
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The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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