I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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