i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
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Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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