the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
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Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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