I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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