Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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