if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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