i need an iv and a liver transplant
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
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I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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