I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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