Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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