Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize