bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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