Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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