you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
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i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
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Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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