Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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