i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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