Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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