I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize