i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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