Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize