Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
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My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
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And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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