he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
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I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This baby is an asshole
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
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Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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