my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
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Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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