I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
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This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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