I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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