Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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