I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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