I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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