Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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