Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just cropdusted the office
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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