ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
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Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
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I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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