I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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