May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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