i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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