after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
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I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
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There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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