I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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