gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
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Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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