cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
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Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
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All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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