Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on a dog bed..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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