So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
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I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize