I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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