Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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