When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
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I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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